Unemployed

I am soon to be without a job. I work for a construction company and they are struggling so much that they just can't keep me. I have been with them for 5 years and I am really sad about this. They told me at last week's Monday meeting and I have had an emotional week and didn't want to write about it until now.

I handle all the accounting so I know their financial situation and I have seen this coming for quite a while. But two weeks ago I asked how things were going and if I should be worried...(I have asked this question about once a month for the last 6 months) and was told that they weren't even considering letting me go. Then the large sum of money they were expecting didn't come in and they lost a job they were counting on and suddenly, although not surprisingly, they decided they couldn't keep me.

I have had so many emotions this week and cried a lot. I tried to prepare myself for this very thing but it is still so hard when it happens. I have felt bitter, although not really towards them or anyone in particular, just bitter. I have been through embezzlement, company splits, FBI investigations, depositions, court appearances, former partners who were so high that they would yell at me and hit things so that for a month the other partners made sure I was never alone at the office. Two weeks after giving birth I was doing work for them because they didn't know how to do it themselves. With all of that it just seems like there shouldn't be anything that we couldn't get through.

I have had my moments of acting like a pouty little kid because I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS! I don't want to do anything. I just want things to continue on as they have been. But then I would kick myself into gear and do the necessary things of tying up the office, updating my resume and looking for a job. I also signed up for unemployment and I am so grateful for this program, not only because of the money, but also that it gives me more time to find something that I will enjoy rather than being forced to jump into the first thing that comes along. They have said that if things get better then they will want me back and I have serious hopes that they will be able to find work as spring approaches and I can just get back to work. As much as I would like to just ignore everything and wait for that to happen, I know I can't count on it. So I take more St. Johns Wort and Nutri-Calm, put on a chic flick and get to work.

Tonight was my first night training them to take over everything I do. I will work for another three weeks mainly to have time to put everything in order and teach them everything. The biggest comment they had tonight was that it was so much paperwork...little do they realize that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of the paperwork. They have always appreciated me; just in that kind of appreciative way people have when they don't actually know everything that you do, they just know that they don't have to do it.

I am handling everything much better this week. I'm sure I will still have moments of pouty irresponsibilty but I am also trying to have a little faith that there are better things ahead for me. I want to stay where I am because it is familiar and comfortable and all of this is uncomfortable. But I really can't know what might be ahead that will be ever so much better than I could imagine.

On a happy note: I had our taxes done this morning and (especially because of the child credit) we are getting a large refund. This added to our savings will help greatly in the uncertain months ahead.