4th Trimester

I am having a total baby-blues, cry-in-the-tub moment and I just feel compelled to get all these feelings out.

OK, this is probably an amateur, first time mom misconception and all the moms out there already understand this, but I didn't realize...I thought of a pregnancy as nine months; three trimesters and then YEAH! the baby is here and the pregnancy is over and of course there is some healing to do, but everything is all better.

Here I am at almost six weeks and I feel so far from recovered. So far from me.
* I dread sitting down or standing up because my tail bone hurts.
* My wrists hurt so badly that I have a hard time picking Max up.
* I hate my breasts because of their size and discomfort.
* I hate that first moment when I start pumping and cry out because it hurts so much.
* I just want the world to stop or go away for awhile so I can just hold my baby.
* I have after pains which feel like they are crushing my lungs and sucking the life out of me.
* I have acne breaking out all over my arms; which doesn't hurt but is just another hit to my flagging self confidence in my appearance.
* Emotionally I want to be more intimate with my husband, but physically I'm not even close to that possibility.

Next time, (Since I want Max to have a brother or sister despite everything I say in this post I will do this again. I respect and admire those who have done this multiple times, but due to my age and my own selfish weaknesses I think one more time is about all I can do.) Anyway, next time, I will know better; I will think of this as a full year process, one year of my life dedicated to getting a little person here (who is totally worth it) but lets be honest...its a process which takes a tremendous toll on the body.

I know that going to church is supposed to be something that would help but I have absolutely no desire to go back. I could say that it will hurt to sit on the chairs and I don't have anything to wear which is all true. But really I don't want to be the center of attention for even a moment. And at the same time I have no one to really sit with or social with or be uplifted by and I know that I will try to make myself as invisible as possible.